Mash
by bluishdream5
Summary: Quistis has a blind date, Irvine breaks up with selphie, and what do they all do? Play MASH with Zell, that's what!But What hapens after two games? R&R please.
1. a new love

mash

A New Love

Quistis was ready to go meet her blind date at the quad, she reached for the door and it opened on its own, not new technology just Selphie stomping into Quistis' dorm

"What happened, Selphie?" She asked monotonously for she did not care. She never got to know Selphie well but, they did save the world together so the whole bunch was supposed to be friendly (except for Zell and Seifer.)

"Irvine broke up with me!" She whined "Now he's with that freaky lady, the one Rinoa and Squall bumped into at the dance!"

Quistis looked impatient, "I feel sorry for you (_say something encouraging and leave!) _but, he wasn't your type."

As Quistis headed outside Selphie clasped her arm tightly, "Then who is? Quistis! I don't wanna be single like you, doesn't it feel terrible!"

Quistis cringed, "(What? Better say something stupid then get the hell out for that blind date) well, you could go for Zell."

That was the first thing that popped into her head. Selphie thought a moment

"Alright, thanks Quistis" She shook Quistis' hand that she had been holding so tightly.

"Now to finish it off with something mean-"

"What?"

"(Did I say that out loud?) Selphie, get out of my dorm!"

She pointed to the door and by some weird chance Zell walked right by. Selphie whispered to Quistis, "is that code for 'Zell is right there!'"

"What?" Quistis had turned her head over to the door; Selphie was dragging poor helpless Zell into the room.

"HELP, HELP I'M BEING ABDUCTED!" he yelled in fear

"Don't worry, Zell! We'll have fun together! Let's play a game with Quistis!" Selphie's cheery reply was.

"Well, you two could," Quistis started

"We'll play mash!" Selphie interrupted leaving Quistis with no excuse to leave the room.

Zell had finally stopped screaming.

"Mash . . .?" he sniffed

"It's a game of predicting a person's future," Quistis explained

"Yea," Selphie added, "you make a circle then make a hypnotizer thing in the circle, then count the lines from right to left!"

Selphie made one and got fourteen

"So the person is getting married at 28 years old, do you get it?"

"MARRIED?" Zell yelled in horror "28!"

"Now list some categories," She continued, "like the person he's getting married to or his job, then you put three options in the categories. Since I got a 14 I'll count down all the options and x out the 14nth then I continue but don't count the Xed out ones, and if two are Xed out from one category circle the last one and don't count that category anymore! Do you get it now?"

"...yes..." was Zell's only answer.

Selphie jumps on Quistis' bed and takes out three pieces of paper and handed them out to Zell and Quistis. Zell laid on the floor, Selphie laid on the bed and hoped Zell would do her future. She then saw Quistis' stereo and pressed play, "eyes on me" began to play.

"Cool music choice, Quisy!" she complimented.

Quistis' mind thought quickly, "(Music, sounds romantic, romantic is in dates, blind dates sometimes, my blind date! ah, he can wait.) "

Quistis was going to lie on her bed but Selphie had invaded it so she sat at her desk and started.

Meanwhile…..

At the quad, someone waited patiently holding a clump of flowers and on his side, a new sharper Hyperion.


	2. oh, yea

OH, YEA?

As Selphie lazes up on the bed, she looks down at Zell's paper.

"Who's future are you making, Zell?"

"Seifer's!" Zell replies happily.

"What?" she yelled "You're not doing mine? Well I'm not doing yours! I'll do Irvine."

Zell smirks, "I thought he broke up with you."

Selphie's mouth drops and she turns slowly to Zell

"How'd you-"

He cuts her off, "Word spreads quickly."

"Oh yea, well even if he is broken up with me, I'm still making his future!" she pouted

Zell thought by now she should have changed her mind but she didn't. He looked at her confused.

"You're only doing that out of spite! That's not fair."

Quistis, who was busily eavesdropping on them, raised an eyebrow.

"It's a free country." She then turns to Selphie, "Zell can do Seifer,"

"That's just gay." Selphie made a face.

"Who asked you?" Zell blurted out. Quistis turns to Zell and continues, "And Selphie can do Irvine." She then turns back to her desk.

"BUTT OUT, Quistis!" She heard Zell yell from behind her.

"HAH!" Selphie pointed a finger at Zell, "You're _jealous."_ She sang.

Zell points a finger at Quistis, "She started it!"

After all of the confusion comes a silence. Everyone is breathing heavily from all the screaming. Quistis was staring at Zell.

"After that little remark," she said in a low voice, "I'm doing YOUR future, Zell!"

That started all of the yelling and loud voices again. You could hear Quistis the loudest, "And don't look forward to any of the options being happy because you two just poisoned a very fun game!"

That made them shut up

"?" Selphie thought. Silence never lasted too long, Zell started up again, "Oh yea, well, you are in the option for Seifers bride!"

Zell snatched his paper and started scribbling down 'wife' and under it 'Quistis'

Quistis, not very enraged said, "oh yea, well, Selphie is an option for your bride."

"BOOYAKA!" cheered Selphie but Zell and Quistis stared. She laughed weakly, "I mean, BOOOOO! YUCK! AAAH! Quistis, how could you?"

Zell knew what he had to do, "Oh yea, well, Selphie is an option for Seifers bride

Quistis who secretly loves Seifer became furious with jealousy.

Selphie pouted again, "oh yea-"

"SELPHIE IS THE ONLY OPTION FOR YOUR BRIDE! MWAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!"

Quistis forced laughter and spat on him.

Zell and Selphie shook their heads, "how embarrassing" they both said in unison as they wrote at the same time, too. Quistis looked around, then settled down and began writing.

Irvine's future

Selphie made the swirl and got a 9,

"Hmp, you think you're so smart getting married at 18, well that just makes your misery closer! Hahahahaha!"

Your brides are:

A hooker (the one he's with now)

A Vegas wife

A blind date

You will be:

Poor

Poorer

Normal (if the blind date is Quistis then)

Your job:

A hobo

A cheater!

A manikin –heh!

Where you will live:

A homeless shelter

Millard pond shack

Wickell St. literally on the street! Or a pothole

What you will wear on your wedding night:

A gay outfit

Breeches only

Nothing how typical of him

Results: IRVINE: you have a Vegas wife, you are poorer, a cheater, you live in the Millard pond shack, and your not wearing anything on your stinking' wedding night! How TYPICAL!

AND YOU HAVE 68 CHILDREN THAT ARE 10 EACH FROM YOUR CHEATING JOB!

Phew, I'm not mad no more I think I'll go talk to Irvine later on.

Seifer's future

Zell got a 15,

"Lucky man, not married till he's 30."

Your brides are:

Quistis

Selphie

Rinoa (fat chance!)

You will be:

Poor

Poor!

Poor!

Your job

Lunch aid at Balamb garden, serving ME hotdogs

A nobody

Janitor at Balamb garden cleaning up my vomit from over dosage of hotdogs!

Your vehicle:

A wheel barrel

A horse

A gondola

How many kids:

N\A (haven't tried yet.)

0 (tried but failed)

1 (adoption)

Results: ha-ha! Your marrying Selphie (Zell is actually jealous) and ( I can't believe it!) your POOR! You are a janitor. Your vehicle: a stolen horse from Irvine, and 0 kids, less money right.

I think letting my anger on to Seifer did the trick. I'm gonna show him what I think of him, this paper has everything

Zell's future

Quistis got 12

"I don't really care _when_ Zell gets married or _if_ he gets married.

Your brides:

Selphie

Selphie

Selphie

Your outcome

Dull as a doorknob

Loud

Unloved

You will live:

In your dorm

I really don't care

I swear I don't care

I don't care

I don't care

I don't care

graaaaaahh!

Quistis made a giant hole with her pencil on which she wrote ' Zell's future.'

Quistis- I'm done. (Wow. I'm not so mad at Zell now that I ruined his future.)

Selphie- me too! I'm gonna go talk to Irvine (if I use my cute charm I'll be irresistible.)

Zell- I finish! (Now to show Seifer what I think of him.)

Selphie walks out of Quistis' dorm and heads for wherever the hell Irvine is doing god knows what.

Quistis and Zell heard her outside talking to a kid

"Looking good, Selphie."

"Thanks, you sure aren't men have such terrible taste in clothing."

"Huh, Whu, Wha? What did I ever do to you?"

The kid runs off crying.

"Welp, I'm goin' to the quad to meet my _blind date." _Quistis stated.

"Do you know by any chance where Seifer is?" Zell asked impatiently, "I can't wait to wave this in his face!"

Quistis pretended to think, "Let me guess, the quad?"

Soon they both headed for the quad passing Selphie as she dragged Irvine by the ear in the hallways.

As Quistis runs for the quad entrance, Cid slides in front of her holding a clump of flowers that were beyond dead.

"Hello Quistis dear."

_Oh god! Don't tell me Cid is my blind date!_

"Um, Quistis, is something the matter?" Quistis slowly shakes her head, "Good, well, today is the anniversary of mine and Edea's wedding, well, I remembered but, do you think these flowers are good enough? Squall suggested them."

He holds them up to Quistis' face but she was getting too dreamy about Squall to get annoyed by it.

"Quistis, Snap out of it!" Zell hollered in her ear.

"Ah! Um, nice, very nice dead flowers!"

Quistis runs past him and now Cid is left with Zell. Zell sweat drops, "Uuuuuuum, very nice dead flowers!"

He too runs past Cid. Cid scratches his head

_Dead flowers? Not these!_

"Seifer!" Quistis called, "I knew you were my blind date!"

"What took you so long?" Seifer yelled back

"I was playing mash!" She replied yelling and running to him.

"Stop playing around!" Seifer yelled

"I can't help it!" she yelled in his face because she had already gotten to him.

"Likely story- wha! I see. . ."

Seifer said slowly as Zell reaches them.

"Your new blind date was the chikenwuss wasn't it?"

"No!" Zell said a nice long 'no', "I came to show you what I think of you, Seifer Almasy!" He tried sounding professional, then hands Seifer his brilliant work.

Seifer Reads it and nods, and says 'mhm' while Zell stands proudly.

"You're dead meat chikenwuss!"


	3. a hero never reveals its secret

MASH

A hero never reveals its secret

Zell went running as Seifer went chasing after him then stopped after the clump of flowers turned into a clump of petals stuck on his face.

"(Huff) (puff) achoo! My sinuses!"

Quistis comes running to his aid, "Are you allergic, seifer? Why did you bring flowers then?"

"Squall said you liked them!" Seifer managed to say "He knew I was allergic! Damn! He just wants me screwed, even if it is with you."

"What? JUST with me! Who does he think he is? Is he in the training center?"

"Yes ma'm." squeaked Seifer

Quistis barges out of the quad and Seifer is wiping petals off his face, Zell disappeared somewhere.

"Wait!" He called "I wanna come! Hehehe, I wanna see his ass get kicked by Quistis!"

Seifers punches the air picturing himself punching squall

------------------------------

At the training center

------------------------------

Quistis finds squall fighting a T-rexsaur

"SQUALL!" She yells

"Whaaa? (Hmmmm),"

He said annoyed then after thinking for a while

"(Quistis?)

- Instructor

- Strict

- Big meanie

- killed machine in Dallet and saved me

- KILLED MACHINE!- In Dallet

- kill!

"Quistis," he stuttered "C-could we talk this over, I-I'm kind of busy (what'd I do?)

"Aaaachooo!" Seifer sneezed

"(Oh yea, hehehe, squall you are quite the little trickster heehee!)" He thought to himself after remembering telling Seifer to give Quistis flowers

"What are you doing enjoying yourself? Get over here!" Quistis commanded.

Squall turned his head to Quistis, but the t-rexsaur bit him and was swaying him back and forth.

Quistis groaned then checked her watch and rolled her eyes and tapped her foot.

In the background squall was in the jaws of death, so to save him self, squall bit the t-rexsaur then it began to cry and squall began climbing down its mouth (like Laguna went down that cliff.)

Seifer, getting aggravated of the horrible noise of Quistis' boot, decided to help squall and get that over with. Seifer went in there and fought the T-Rexsaur just like he did when he was fighting squall in the beginning .Squall finally falls on the ground but the mad t-rexsaur picked him and put him over his mouth, he starts squirming around its hand and this goes on for a while.

After the whole t-rexsaur incident, they all went to the infirmary.

"Wow," Quistis said in awe "I can't believe you went through all of that and no damage?"

Seifer whispers to squall "do you think we should tell her?"

"A hero never reveals its secret."

"Alright now let's get down to business." Quistis slammed her fist on the table.

"Business, who needs business, you seemed stressed, why not play a fun game of . . . uuuuuuuuuum (he sees Zell's mash paper Seifer's been carrying) mash!"

He quickly grabs three papers and hands two to Quistis and Seifer before they can say anything.

"Aw man, I wanted to see squall get hurt." Seifer whined.

"Seifer, that was enough for one day!"

"But-" he stopped on his own seeing as Quistis wasn't listening.

"Damn you!" he whispered fiercely in squalls ear "I should have told her!"

"(How sly am I?)" Squall thought and smirked.

Seifer glares at him evilly "(I just keep getting served by that twit.)"

"If it's anyone is to get hurt, it should be you, Seifer" Quistis said out of nowhere, as if she knew what they were thinking.

"Yea, give him the boot Quistis!" Squall cheered.

"Sure, gang up on me because he's your boyfriend." Seifer mumbled.

"(Rinoa is not gonna like that . . . hm, what Rinoa doesn't know won't hurt her.)"

Quistis acts like she doesn't care.

"(Score one for Quistis," She cheered in her mind, "(0 for Rinoa. . . from what I know.)"

* * *

thats it for that chapter.

if your still confused about the part when squall claims "a hero never reveals its secret." it means he was using "hero" on him and he tricked Seifer into not telling quistis, releaving him of quistis' threats.


	4. Quistis, Squall and Seifer

me : probably should have mentioned this before **i do not own final fantasy **but anyways i already mentioned it on my proflie so **_you cant's sue_** >:>

enjoy. . .

MASH

**_Seifer, Squall, and quistis_**

"Aright," Quistis said "Um, (Idiot! Don't sound like your thinking long, do Squall!) Squall."

"Traitor!" Seifer mumbles while Squall pops his collar. They sat on a round table and a case of pencils were placed in the middle.

"(I wonder what happened to Zell.)" Quistis thought, she had that thoughtful look on her face making Seifer accuse her of thinking about Squall.

"You're thinking about someone! I knew it, Squall!" He hollered mindlessly for a while.

"Dumbass!" Squall whacks Seifer in the back of his head "How will she do my brilliant future if she does not gonna think of my great hair, awesome body, and most fabulous looks?"

Squall does a hero pose as the wind blows his hair, Seifer, behind him, blew into pieces and Quistis melted.

"Alright lover boy," Seifer started "Keep your gay looks to yourself."

Quistis smacks Seifer when squalls not looking.

"So whose future are you doing Seifer?" Squall asks out of the blue.

"(Revenge on Quistis! Best possible answer. . ..ding, ding, ding!) Rinoa.

"You . . .!" Squall shakes an angry fist. He then attempts to choke Seifer, but Quistis holds him back

"Calm down! It's just a game!" She gets a hold of his arm and starts pulling more on his jacket than his arm.

"If one thing goes wrong in her future you can dig your grave!" He threatened to Seifer.

"I'll guarantee you one thing in her future, I'll be in it!" Seifer said happily, Squall struggles more from Quistis' grip

"The hell you will!" his other arm barely reaches Seifer. He was surprised in Quistis' sudden amount of strength, enough that he himself tires up and grits his teeth menacingly.

"(If only they were fighting over me instead of Rinoa," Thought dreamily "This is making her score too high, oh well, I'll keep it down to zero anyway.)"

Squall throws more threats at Seifer, and Seifer throws more spit at them. It was when one landed on Quistis that she got back to her senses, "You guys, it doesn't matter who he does."

"Shut up Quistis!"

"Well I'll be!"

Her comment was unheard by the terrible noise of threats coming back at each other.

Quistis lets go of squall and he crashes on Seifer, the scene was so gay she hid in a corner (her weird instincts of a teacher.)

Rinoa suddenly comes screaming in, "Dr. koodowakiowa-whateveritis, I chipped a nail" After seeing that Dr. Kadowaki was not there, her attention was brought to Squall and Seifer, "SQUALL!"

"What, it's not what you think!" Squall protests but, Rinoa had already run off screaming the same way she came. Seifer wakes up from KOness, "Get off me queer!" He yells as Squall jumps back. Seifer dizzily gets up, "At first I thought you were gay, now I . . . still do!" He says wiping off 'Squallness' from his trench coat.

"Shaddup, now Rinoa thinks I'm gay!" He yells in disbelief.

"Cool! Here's my chance."

Seifer walks in the hall to Rinoa, says two words, gets slapped, and walks back in, "Uhh, lets play mash."

Squall scrambles back to the table, Quistis creeps back from her corner and Seifer slouches back, broken hearted, for him, it's a natural feeling. Without a word they started.

"I call dibs on Rinoa!" Squall attempts at taking Rinoa before Seifer

"Me too!" Seifer began Writing

Squall slaps his forehead, "(This man obviously does not understand the concepts of 'dibs')"

**_Squall's future_**

"I got a... (Forces a nine) nine!" Quistis thinks to herself.

**Bride: **

Rinoa (like hell, I'm Xing it out first)

His former teacher (that's me! I'm so smart!)

Quistis

**Lifestyle: **

Commander of garden

Body builder

Trepe club member (Unfortunately, his words were, "those idiots, I'm telling you, they made terrible life decision.")

**Wedding gift: **

A moon stone

'Joining the Trepe's club' certificate

a dumping of Rinoa (score for me!)

**Honeymoon**:

French kiss (O.K! a girl can dream)

Seifer shows up and who knows what happens!

Rinoa shows up and I get the courage to bitch slap her (Squall- gee, Quistis I didn't know you felt that way!)

**What we do on boring days:**

Make out

Sleep (Rinoa keeps telling squall to sleep with her I don't know what in the world could be so much fun but squalls keeps telling her she has a nasty mind and follows her in his dorm, if squall likes it than I will too...)

Teach more useless junk about junctioning and crap (the only way he'll talk to me, and tell me 'whatever' after every sentence.

Alright, he's marrying me! Wow, what are the chances! Hehehe, he's gonna be a body builder though he already has a nice body, he's giving me a moonstone, and dumps Rinoa, heehee. (Quistis is too fed up with making stuff how she likes it) and wow! I get a French kiss! AND we sleep! i still don't see in it what Rinoa and squall do.

"(-. ) Quistis," Squall asked after reading it, "Did you just choose whatever the hell you felt like choosing?"

"...yes... (Oh my god! I got out of that one by telling him the inappropriate action! I didn't know I could do that!)"

Rinoa's future

Seifer dazes off thinking about his future plans with Rinoa and gets a 29

"Shit!"

He then accidentally writes bride instead of groom, "We weren't meant to be..."

Groom:

**Seifer **

**Either she's lonely or she comes back to me **

**Squall** (don't want to get beat up by him if he's not part of her future but mark my words! it will suck!)

She will be:

**Poor**

**Still part of those crapholes 'forest owls'**

**With me**

Her job:

**A Seifer addict** (hm, addict is a very strong word, how about the Almasy club)

**My servant**

**A boat puller**

She will live:

**In the insane and homeless shelter**

**In a box**

**In a giant boot** (Raijins in particular)

What she will wear on your wedding night:

**Underwear breaches (only)**

**A gay outfit**

**a tee shirt** that has my picture on it saying I hate squall with 'old printed on the bottom, I go there all the time, it seems the person who owns it ditched it years ago.

"Okay, (cracks fingers) she will marry squall! Damn it! Uhh, me, err Seifer, hehehe, she will be...still part of that craphole the forest owls? Damn them! Her job...a boat puller? Why in hell did I put that one it? Okay, this one has to be good! what was I thinking on this one, aw man, she lives in a box, I was so sure she'd get squall I messed up almost all of them..., I'm leaving it at squall, oh yea what she will wear at her wedding night, underwear breaches! Heeeeell! At least I will be there to see it..."

Rinoa's future

Alright, I'm wrapping this up! She gets married to me **right now**! We get in bed **right now**! And Seifer is gone from our lives **forever.**

"I'm done." Squall reads it out loud and Seifer gets a 'When hell freezes over' look. Quistis sighs, "Squall, you have to get the fact that Rinoa thinks your gay."

"Well I'm telling her to marry me right now.

"You can't **tell** her!"

"Oh," Squall doesn't' seem so commanding anymore "Do you think I order people around too much?"

"Damn straight!" Seifer shakes his head ashamed.

"If you need a shoulder to cry on, mines is open at all times," Quistis said looking at squall then back to her shoulder

"Thanks, your a real friend, (sniff)" Squall tries shedding a tear, its seems the man just can't cry.

Quistis feels wetness on her opposite shoulder; Seifer was blowing off tears in every direction.

"What is the matter with you?" She says, trying to pry Seifer off.

"I've been waiting for a good place to cry on!" he whines and whimpers.

Quistis rolls her eyes and walks off; Seifer is left in infirmary weeping like crazy.

"Why do people hate me eheheehehee! Waaah! (Sniff) ahahaahah! Waaah!

Squall goes in his dorm he sees Irvine making out with someone , he assumed it was with Selphie again, they never seize to amaze him in the places were they make out, but when he laid on his bed he saw that it was Rinoa!

"Rinoa, why?" He asks mouth open as his eyes wide open.

"Because you're gay!" She yells

"You're gay?" Irvine suddenly came to that realization, "dude, like, lay off the dudes... (Backs up)"

"I told you, I fell on him, you take things too seriously!" Squall argues.

"Well you-"

"I give up!" he grumpily minds his own business taking out his gun blade to polish, but Irvine mistakenly thought he was going to attack and knocked him out with a chair. Rinoa runs out and Irvine follows, a few minutes later Quistis finds him and drags him to the infirmary where he wakes up with bandages on his head again. Now he has two scars creating an X on his forehead.

"What Happened?" he asked aloud as he woke up

"(Weeeep) Irvine happened that's what! Waaa! Whaaa!" He continued crying in a corner.

"Who? And who are you, who am I?" he questioned clueless.

Seifer got over his crying all of a sudden, "You are my slave, slave boy! I own you!" he then looks over at Quistis making Squall look too, "Who dat?" he pointed to her as she busily shuffled papers around pointlessly stealing a glance at him every two seconds, now that they were staring at her, She looked back and looked busy again. "She's my wife," Seifer crossed his arms and smirked, "you do anything to make her like you and your chopped liver.

"I believe you are using that phrase incorrectly." Squall points out.

"Shut up, slave!"

Quistis, after hearing this, comes over, "Seifer, What makes you think he's gonna believe he's your slave?" After looking at Squalls clueless expression she faints.

"HOLY CRAP!"

* * *

If you haven't guessed by now, squall has amnesia! R&R please! 


End file.
